Colchester 0 – 0 Albion

March 9, 2010 by The Hovian
"HOOF!"

"HOOF!"

Colchester. Grim garrison town stuck on the arsehole end of Essex, which itself is at the grim arsehole end of London. The army even send their prisoners there for fuck’s sake. Never a place that would exite most footballing minds, and last night was no different.

When the train pulled in (over more like) I was off for a swift couple of shants before having to catch the shuttle bus (sexy stuff) to the excruciatingly badly named Weston Homes Community Stadium. I spread four pints over the Norfolk, the nearest pub to the station, where the 20 stone off duty barmaid was complaining about “Fucking Irish pikeys” to a couple of old soaks. Then I headed to the next roundabout and the inevitable Beefeater which was called the Albert, or Dilbert or something, and was empty.

At 6:30pm I joined all the Colchester shirters on a shuttle bus, they looked like they were off to work on a particularly wet Monday morning, the miserable bastards. When I eventually got into the Brighton end for a rubber burger I was seriously contemplating ending it all, such was the loss of the will to live shuffling about a breeze block maze under the equally bland stand in sub zero temperatures. Shurely the football match would lift my spirits and stop me thinking about the train journey home that night?

Yes, and no. It’s obvious that Gus Poyet is building a footballing team – i.e. his team try to play it on the deck from the back to the front – and if it doesn’t always come off it still makes for a better spectacle. He’s got our midfield playing their socks off and people like Alan Navarro coming out of their shell and looking like the skillful, thoughtful players they always were. Colchester United by contrast  haven’t got a midfield, apart from a spoiling and fouling one that is. Their game plan is to hoof the ball from the two giant knuckle-draggers at the back to the two identical big beasts up front. Their short-arses in the middle of the park are there to pick the scraps up and kick people. It was like watching Wimbledon’s Crazy Gang without the undoubted skill and accompanying humour. It was also fucking tedious.

If that’s how the “U’s” (translate as “Hoofs”) are headed for the play-offs or better, then League One football is in a worse way than I expected. Our players tried their best, we were far better, but we couldn’t get around the kicking, the interplanetary clearances and the mortar fire into our box (no doubt they are influenced by the army garrison being there, but when our keeper is 6′4″ with sticky fingers it’s a waste of energy). Our small accompanyment of travelling Albion barmies were good value (in a stadium with only 3,900 souls in it – it was on Sky after all). The Muppets’ “manah manah” song, substituted with “LuaLua” kept us all amused and Colchester’s stewards bemused. But soon all you could hear from our end was “HOOF!”, as each Colchester player in turn did just that. Even renditions of “Good Old Sussex By The Sea” and “We Are Brighton” just ended up as “HOOOOOOOOOOOF!”. The one guy screaming “Fucking MULLET!” every time Colchester’s sub (who sported a fine example of the haircut of the gods) hoofed the ball had me laughing out loud. Good effort all round from the barmies.

Our best players? Murray for being a pest, winning good free kicks against their back four gorillas (stop diving though Glenn, looks shite and you’ll get red carded soon). Midfield as a unit ran them ragged when the odd mortar dropped short around the centre circle. Tommy Elphick was magnificent in defence, and nearly won my Man of the Match. But, and he’s been threatening to win it for the last few games, last night our brightest player was – Inigo Calderon, and he wins the dubious honour from this blog.

I got the bus back to town just before 10pm, and there was a bit of argy bargy with a couple of Colchester scarfers who would have been better off throwing themselves under the bus than picking on a little old Albion fan boozed up and trying to banter with them. They didn’t offer him out until he was halfway down the now parked bus, but they have something to tell the rest of the girls at school today. Bless.

The choo-choo didn’t get into Brighton until 1:30am, and some drunken Japanese nutter was singing opera behind me the whole way from East Croydon. I was too tired to contemplate the weird day I’d just experienced, and was fast asleep by 2am. Don’t make me go back there next season, hoof your way out of this league please Colchester, you’re crap.

The Hovian’s Albion Team Performance : 7 out of 10

The Hovian’s Albion Man of the Match : Inigo Calderon

Albion Team (goalscorers in bold):

(4-5-1) Brezovan; Calderon, Elphick, El-Abd, Painter; Bennett, Dicker, Crofts, Navarro, LuaLua (Holroyd); Murray

(Subs) , Forster, McNulty, Carole, Hoyte, Hart, Holroyd

Attendance: 3914

League One table

Tuesday, 9 March 2010 00:00 UK

Position Team P GD PTS
Full League One table
1 Norwich 35 37 75
2 Leeds United 34 30 68
3 Charlton 35 23 66
4 Colchester 34 17 63
5 Swindon 33 11 60
6 Millwall 34 15 59
7 Huddersfield 35 18 58
8 MK Dons 34 1 52
9 Bristol Rovers 34 -3 51
10 Southampton 33 25 44
11 Walsall 34 -2 44
12 Carlisle 34 -3 41
13 Yeovil 35 -6 41
14 Brentford 31 0 39
15 Hartlepool 34 -7 38
16 Leyton Orient 34 -7 38
17 Brighton 34 -11 38
18 Gillingham 35 -11 37
19 Tranmere 33 -22 36
20 Oldham 32 -14 33
21 Exeter 34 -15 32
22 Southend 34 -16 32
23 Wycombe 35 -25 29
24 Stockport 34 -35 23

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Pier Sunday

March 7, 2010 by The Hovian

‘Twas a bright, cold, early Spring morn, so we headed down the Pier for a go on the penny falls and to eat fish ‘n’ chips washed down with a swift pint. It’s nice to promenade in a smart outfit – Fjallraven jacket & shirt, Edwin selvage jeans, and a new pair of dark brown suede Clarks Dessie Treks.

Soon (I hope) it will be the right weather to crack out the Lacoste polos and maybe even shorts and trainers. It’s been a long winter folks, and even though the long, sultry summer can leave you feeling a bit lost with no footy to enjoy (is that the right word?), you just can’t beat Brighton & Hove in summertime.

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Styles UK – Straight Outta Sussex

March 3, 2010 by The Hovian

I’m giving this online shop a  mention – Styles UK – for a couple of reasons. The site owner is a good mate, he’s a local bloke based in Sussex, and most importantly, he sells top casual and designer brands at low prices. The shop has plenty of CP Company, Armani, and Stone Island clobber, among other brands. Check it out, there’s a sale on there right now.

Here’s some good news on the football front that you’re probably already aware of (if you’re a Seagull of course), Gus Poyet has added to his foreign legion of footballers by signing Diego Arismendi from Stoke until the end of the season. The fellow Uruguayan International with the flairmongous name will slot into our already impressive midfield, so who’s making way? Arismendi should debut at Colchester this Monday night.

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A casual buy no. 11

February 28, 2010 by The Hovian

I’ve owned this old Barbour Northumbria jacket for nine years. It was hoodless and I initially wore it over a suit whilst working. Then, as it got older, helping my father in law around his field in Bexhill; and I kept it hanging on the back of the front door as a quick throw-on for a run to the shops when it was wet. My other coats are hung neatly in my wardrobe. I never really saw the Northumbria as a “casual” item, that was until I decided on impulse to buy a matching sylkoil hood for just over a score recently. I tried it on with the hood and thought “You know, I actually like the look of this old thing now”.

Barbour make far trendier, perhaps even more exciting jackets – the Dry Fly or the International range for instance. The Northumbria looks plain by comparison, most would expect to see it on the back of some Wurzel sat on a tractor in a field in Dorset rather than on some urbanite “lad” at the footy. And they are mostly right.

But, in my humblest opinion of course, this thing labelled “casual” is about standing out from the herd sometimes (others would say “all the time”, but I’m not that conceited and far from being a “face” – I’m square baby!). It’s also about what YOU YOURSELF feel comfortable in.

After the initial Golden Era of casual in the very early 80s, which was brash, loud, and swathed in bright Italian sportswear, there was a reaction and period of “dressing down”. Especially in the north west of England – where arguably the subculture had and still has it’s beating heart – lads began looking dressed down and chilled out. Labels disappeared and it was okay to look, heaven forbid, “scruffy”. Tweed and waxed cotton were in and polyester out.

Phil Thornton, in his excellent book about all things casual, called this reaction to garish sportswear “retro-scally”. There’s no scallies in Brighton & Hove apart from emigres from Merseyside; but the freedom to dress in whatever made them comfortable meant these scruffier lads brought to the scene a new way of thinking about clothing and set a precedent. It’s not always about mega-bucks brand labels (although the Northumbria itself ain’t cheap), being a smart-ass, a clothes horse, or, and I might be commiting blasphemy here, getting “one-up” on other lads out and about all the time. You can mix your CP Company with M&S, your shoes can be old and scuffed, there’s no hard and fast rules for this way of looking and feeling. That’s why I’m happy to step out in my old Northumbria with it’s new hood, I love this tatty old jacket again.

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Albion 2 – 0 Exeter

February 27, 2010 by The Hovian

Oh Arrrrr, Exeter's firm front up at Withdean

Noel Edmonds supports Exeter City, that effectively makes them the duffest team in the whole Football League. Bloody Wurzels. If that wasn’t enough ignominy for their fans to stomach, they’re now also the only team we’ve done the double over this season, aw-roight then laaards?

A good day at Withers today, and boy was it coming. A good crowd turned out, probably inspired by tales of great football witnessed on the south bank of the Thames on tuesday night. Our home form has finally caught up with the displays in our away adventures, and the table is looking fairer now too.

The Seagulls dominated the first 45, Elphick scoring a great headed goal from one of Elliott Bennett’s improved deliveries at corners. We gave the farmers a bit of a sniff later on, but when Dicker volleyed in a screamer from just outside their box early doors in the second half it was game over, never in doubt. Exeter are in the shit, I think they’re defo going down in May.

Our best players were Elphick – solid again as he bossed and bullied their toothless attack. LuaLua was brilliant once more, he skinned their right back every chance, giving the poor lad a torrid time until he was subbed on 69 minutes. The final ball needs to be better, but he’s one hell of a loan signing. Painter was excellent at left back, did everything well. But man of the match was that man Gary Dicker again, he deserved his wonder goal after his creativity and battling to win the ball in the middle of the park.

So, I’ll say no more, watch the highlights of this one with relish, especially Dicker’s effort. Things are looking up, Poyet is the right man for this job, I am won over; the Leeds, Charlton and now Exeter games have proven he has the right personnel and the right 4-5-1 tactics to take this club onwards. Great stuff.

The Hovian’s Albion Team Performance : 9 out of 10

The Hovian’s Albion Man of the Match : Gary Dicker

Albion Team (goalscorers in bold):

(4-5-1) Brezovan; Calderon, Elphick, El-Abd, Painter; Bennett, Dicker, Crofts, Navarro, LuaLua (Holroyd 69); Murray (Hart 82)

(Subs) Kuipers, Forster, McNulty, Carole, Hoyte, Hart, Holroyd

Attendance: 6959 (565 Wurzels)

League One table

Saturday, 27 February 2010 17:05 UK

Position Team P GD PTS
Full League One table
1 Norwich 34 34 72
2 Leeds United 33 30 67
3 Charlton 34 21 63
4 Colchester 33 17 62
5 Swindon 32 15 60
6 Huddersfield 33 25 58
7 Millwall 33 15 58
8 MK Dons 33 0 49
9 Bristol Rovers 32 -8 45
10 Walsall 33 -2 43
11 Southampton 31 21 41
12 Yeovil 34 -3 41
13 Carlisle 33 -3 40
14 Brentford 30 0 38
15 Leyton Orient 33 -6 38
16 Brighton 33 -11 37
17 Hartlepool 33 -10 35
18 Gillingham 34 -13 34
19 Tranmere 32 -23 33
20 Southend 33 -13 32
21 Oldham 31 -14 32
22 Exeter 33 -15 31
23 Wycombe 34 -25 28
24 Stockport 32 -32 23

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Charlton 1 – 2 Albion

February 24, 2010 by The Hovian

Oh Withdean, to have a view like this every game

This is the best game I’ve seen Albion play this season, it trumps even the Scummers away. That Charlton even scored flatters them somewhat, they couldn’t get the ball off us for the best part of 94 minutes.

A drizzle and mist sodden Valley didn’t bode well for what was to come, nor did the heavy weather-beaten pitch. But it was nice to get so close to the action after years of squinting out over Withers, and I think our proximity to the South Stand goal raised the noise level of the away supporters, it was fucking loud where I was anyway.

I’ll go through the team’s performance in order of ascending merit. El-Abd defended well, but his distribution was poor (hoof-o-matic) 6 out of 10. Forster did ok as lone striker, but he doesn’t do it as well as Murray (who is out sick), or Holroyd. Fozzy scores 6.

Elphick and Painter were steady enough, both score 7. Gary Dicker had a good game, but in an all-star midfield he didn’t shine as much as the others, 7.

Now the 8’s. Brezovan surely deserves a run in the team after last night? My only gripes, and the first is easily mended, is that he slices his big clearances to the right. He was also at fault for their goal (which came in the FOURTH minute of the three added at the end), but he gives me more confidence than Kuipers at present. Crofts was as good as ever, but again outshone by his wingers, 8 for him.

Kazenga LuaLua is something else, when he gets the ball the crowd’s expectation rises, he simply turns defenders inside out. Not 100% match fit, but his 71 minutes last night beats most players over three games, 9 out of 10. Alan Navarro – how much has this lad turned his season round? He is the lynchpin of this team, outstanding all over the park and becoming this blog’s cult hero, 9.

It was a hard, hard choice for my man of the match. Inigo Calderon finished the game our muddiest player, and when I played the game the grottiest team mate was the one getting stuck in the most. Our main threat was down the right, and it all started with our resident Spaniard. I love the way he is in constant communication with Poyet on the pitch, he’s always thinking and his effort was only matched by Navarro. His deflected goal was a bit lucky, but his charge upfield, followed by a correction after he lost control deserved a goal, pure flair.

But my man of the match goes to Bennett. He was all over Charlton last night, and his goal rounded off his best performance by far in the stripes – 9. Both subs did their jobs well, with Holroyd in particular, 7 each.

So, we headed back through the damp police horse shit to Charlton station realising we had watched something special, the faces around me were beaming. Our team played the fancied Charlton off their own pitch with superb one touch football and top drawer finishing. As I said, this was a special night, I wish we could play at the Valley every week!

The Hovian’s Albion Team Performance : 9 out of 10

The Hovian’s Albion Man of the Match : Elliott Bennett

Albion Team (goalscorers in bold):

(4-5-1) Brezovan; Calderon, Elphick, El-Abd, Painter; Bennett, Dicker, Crofts, Navarro, LuaLua (Hart 71); Forster (Holroyd 57)

(Subs) Kuipers, El-Abd, Cook, Carole, Hoyte, Hart, Holroyd

Attendance: 17508

League One table

Wednesday, 24 February 2010 00:00 UK

Position Team P GD PTS
Full League One table
1 Norwich 33 33 69
2 Leeds United 32 30 66
3 Colchester 32 18 62
4 Charlton 33 20 60
5 Swindon 31 15 59
6 Huddersfield 32 25 57
7 Millwall 32 14 55
8 MK Dons 32 1 49
9 Walsall 32 2 43
10 Bristol Rovers 31 -9 42
11 Southampton 30 17 38
12 Brentford 30 0 38
13 Yeovil 33 -4 38
14 Carlisle 32 -5 37
15 Leyton Orient 32 -6 37
16 Hartlepool 32 -9 35
17 Gillingham 33 -11 34
18 Brighton 32 -13 34
19 Tranmere 32 -23 33
20 Southend 32 -12 32
21 Oldham 30 -13 32
22 Exeter 32 -13 31
23 Wycombe 33 -24 28
24 Stockport 31 -33 20

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Posted in Flair, Season 2009-10, Why I love Football | 2 Comments »

Leeds 1 – 1 Albion

February 21, 2010 by The Hovian

Our last view of Elland Road for years to come?

Gutted. No other word for it. Leeds probably deserved a draw overall, but I was sure we were finally going to ride our luck and leave Elland road – probably for the last time for many years – with all three points. As I said, gutted.

The day started inauspiciously when the PA system on the East Coast train out of King’s Cross announced we were on a dry train “Due to football issues”. Onboard there were Leeds, Watford, Ipswich, and even a Geordie fan running late for St James’s Park. He was probably just a lost beer monster, if he was he was on the wrong train. We managed a couple of swift pints and a warming shot in the railway station bar before jumping into a taxi for Elland Road.  Leeds’ tap lager in the away supporters’ bar was horrible, so I knocked back cider before grabbing a seat in the tiny yellow away section in the south east corner of the old stadium.

Just a note on Leeds stewards, and I’m not one who usually rags on the fluorescent jacket brigade, but these were some of the worst jobsworths I’ve seen. Granted the four or so Albion lads who got ejected for repeatedly refusing to sit down were pissed-up and annoying, but the introduction of purple shirted “quick response” teams or whatever they were called, plain clothes (undercover?) uber-stewards, and of course West Yorkshire’s finest was all a bit OTT to say the least. The fact that one of them was a ringer for Mark McGhee didn’t help either. I tried to get a photo of McGhoo’s visog but he was too fast for me, and for a moment I thought he was going to try and sling me out for the heinous crime of using a camera in a public place. Muppets.

The match now. Well, we weren’t exactly robbed, but when Virgo was sent off for a reckless lunge on Leeds’ Gradel after Brezovan threw the ball to him (fucking Albion goalkeeping again!), it looked ominous. Letting in a goal on 95 minutes was completely soul destroying though. Before the equaliser the team battled, frustrated and harried, Beckford never got so much as a sniff all game. When Murray went down and converted his own penalty we were sitting pretty, the home crowd were quiet, and I really believed we were for winning this one.

My man of the match was a hard one, this really was a team display, if you’ll pardon the cliche. Virgo was brilliant until he went, but he’s out of the team now for Charlton and James Tunnicliffe is out on loan, who’s going in at centre back – probably Painter with El-Abd coming back to cover left back. Our midfield was brilliant all game, again with Navarro starring alongside Crofts. I saw LuaLua for the first time too, and he looks great. But big Glenn Murray played the lone striker role superbly up front, and for that he earns my man of the match.

After the game we met up at the Grove Inn on Stone Row with a few Albion fans for some excellent real ale before heading home, again on a dry train. Some of the boys had a carry out so I blagged a couple of cans, and one of my party got a little bit too rowdy (sorry Lads!), but all in all we had forgotten about the game and had a bit of a laugh.

So, we’ve slipped a place to 22nd in the league after dropping two points yesterday, things aren’t looking good in the table, but we are playing well. Charlton away on Tuesday night is not as daunting a fixture as it might have been earlier in the season, we can match anyone on our day, we just have to have more “days” – time is running out.

The Hovian’s Albion Team Performance : 8 out of 10

The Hovian’s Albion Man of the Match : Glenn Murray

Albion Team (goalscorers in bold):

(4-5-1) Brezovan; Calderon, Elphick, Virgo, Painter; Bennett (Hart 56), Dicker, Crofts, Navarro, LuaLua (El-Abd 82); Murray

(Subs) Kuipers, El-Abd, Forster, Carole, Hoyte, Hart, Holroyd

Attendance: 24120

League One table

Sunday, 21 February 2010 00:00 UK

Position Team P GD PTS
Full League One table
1 Norwich 32 32 66
2 Leeds United 31 28 63
3 Colchester 32 18 62
4 Charlton 32 21 60
5 Swindon 30 12 56
6 Huddersfield 31 23 54
7 Millwall 31 12 52
8 MK Dons 31 3 49
9 Walsall 31 3 43
10 Bristol Rovers 31 -9 42
11 Brentford 30 0 38
12 Southampton 29 17 37
13 Carlisle 31 -2 37
14 Leyton Orient 31 -6 36
15 Yeovil 32 -5 35
16 Gillingham 32 -11 33
17 Tranmere 31 -21 33
18 Southend 31 -11 32
19 Oldham 29 -11 32
20 Hartlepool 31 -12 32
21 Exeter 32 -13 31
22 Brighton 31 -14 31
23 Wycombe 32 -24 27
24 Stockport 30 -30 20

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Posted in Season 2009-10 | 2 Comments »

A casual buy no. 10

February 17, 2010 by The Hovian

I bought this item last month more in hope than with practicality in mind. It’s still baltic here in Hovecestershire, and this little beaut would be more at home on the back of a sunburnt Floridian golfer than on my back sat in dark depressing Withdean staring another home defeat in the frozen face.

The Original Penguin Ratner jacket is light, well-built, and modish. Penguin’s (Munsingwear) wiki page describes the company as “an American lifestyle brand”. American lifestyle: long palm-lined boulevards, desert freeways, Cadillacs, (old) Hollywood, pacific beaches, Steve McQueen, a painting by Pollock, and drive-in diners. All this springs to mind – the long gone pre-9/11 American Dream. It’s a far cry from England and her dark satanic football grounds nestled in damp, terraced streets. Or in windswept, half-empty, and colour-faded “bowls”, a grim bus ride away from civilisation in forgotten retail parks and industrial estates.

But the two are not completely incompatible, because “lifestyle brand” translates into “casual” in our unfussy, stiff-upper-lip usage of the Queen’s English. This is a very smart little jacket, I’m just waiting until “Sunny Hove” starts to re-appear, along with the daffodils, and going to Withdean ceases to feel just like how a discarded fishfinger would feel having been abandoned in the bottom tray of the freezer.

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WTF?

February 15, 2010 by The Hovian

No seriously, WTF? The only sense I can make of this is that Nicky Forster must be on his way back.

On his way to The Posh - Bananaman AKA Liam Dickinson

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Posted in Season 2009-10 | 5 Comments »

Albion 1 – 2 Norwich

February 14, 2010 by The Hovian

Saucer-faced pop minx (who's not as fit as her mum) and Norwich City celebrity bellend fan Sophie Ellis-Bextor

I had to miss going to this game due to family commitments I couldn’t put off any longer, and frankly, I’m not too bothered not having had to fork out £24 for this one. I did manage to listen in on BBC Radio Sussex for most of the game, and all I can say is, we’re not showing that extra bit of effort needed to start climbing up the table. Say what you want about bad luck and dickhead referees, but to let in not one, but two goals in the last ten minutes after going one up and playing so well is criminal, even if it was the League One champions elect who nicked all three points in the smash ‘n’ grab raid. Enough said.

When we got home to Hove today after spending the weekend in the wilds of east East Sussex, seeing two tickets for Leeds away next week lying on the hall floor lightened my mood somewhat. Albion need to man the fuck up and take it to both Leeds and Charlton on the following Tuesday night, or we’ll be hanging onto League One status by the skin of our soiled underpants come the end of this month. Honeymoon’s long gone now Gus, time to consummate this football relationship properly and keep us in tier three for next season.

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Posted in Brighton & Hove, Celebrity Bellend Fans, Season 2009-10 | 6 Comments »

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